Ruby:
“Whatever tries to kill me better succeed.”
I don't like half measures and I like pain even less. If I happen to be in a situation where I’m staring death in the face, I’d like for death to win. Imagine being in stasis and then imagine whatever tries to kill you fails, leaving you in immeasurable pain until maybe you inevitably die or worse still, you live to relive pain.
It was raining and Kemi was trailing behind me, yelling at me to stop. I was drenched and the ground was slippery but I could not stop; I had done a despicable thing.
Kemi:
Why do we feel second-hand embarrassment? I think we feel uncomfortable seeing people do things we would never do; because we’re too self-conscious and repressed and too heavily invested in people’s perceptions of us.
I increased my pace until I was full-on running after her. I knew she wouldn’t expect it. I wasn’t thinking; I just had to reach her. She looked back and the expression on her face was not discernible. Then she stopped and waited, giving me time to catch my breath when I caught up to her.
Ruby:
Kemi was full-on chasing me. I didn’t notice at first; the rain was drowning out all my senses. I only noticed because I wanted to see if she had turned back. I hoped she had. But instead, I turn and see this woman running, chasing me. This woman who can not bear to see a hair out of place, who does not dance in public or air any opinion contrary to popular belief for fear of ruffling feathers. This woman who was scared to death of embarrassment, of people laughing at her, was awkwardly running towards me, trying to convince me to come back after the evil thing I’d done. I couldn’t let her continue running and so I stopped. When she reached me I waited while she gathered herself.
Kemi:
I looked up at her. If she comes back I will never call her a giraffe again. “Ruby, come back, let’s talk about it, please”
I’m tugging at her sleeve now, willing her to change her mind and turn back and come with me, knowing she won't. She’s too hardheaded, too dogged, too self-loathing. I continued to beg. She begged me right back.
Ruby:
This tiny woman was clutching my sleeve. I wanted to shake her off but I felt like if I did I might have hurt her. She’s done nothing to deserve this. She should not even be under the rain. “Kemi, please let me leave, please.” She doesn’t listen and we’re there, under the rain, eyes locked on us from windows of houses and shops. I can feel her discomfort. She’s soaked and water that’s hidden in her afro is trailing down her face and obscuring her vision. She kept looking around, eyes darting nervously at the people staring at us. She didn’t want to be there and she didn’t deserve to. *deep guttural sigh*, “get off me you fucking pest.” I see her recoil in shock and I die a little. She lets go of me though and without a second glance, I turn around and leave, walking into nothingness. Nothing but obscure nothingness from here on out.
Kemi:
I felt like she slapped me and, with the rain beating down on me, it was doubly painful. I knew she didn’t mean it but I couldn’t believe she said it anyway. I lost focus and in what felt like a split second, she was gone. I stood under the rain and cried for what felt like forever. I heaved and wailed and mucus ran down my face while people watched but I didn’t care. I felt a sense of loss so profound it held me anchored to where I stood, transfixed, staring at the spot she’d vacated. After a lifetime I moved myself and began to head home, wondering what I could have done differently.
🥺😭✨
I'm sure we aren't meant to disturb you but are you really not going to explain yourself?