Tay Iwar’s ‘Summer Breeze’ was and is the soundtrack of my summer and life. He gifted this album to me.
I was coming out of the worst few months I’ve had all year. Struggling. Stuck in my head, stuck in my ways. Summer Breeze, the album, graced my ears maybe two days (?) before I was to be (temporarily) free from the shackles of law exams.
The first time I heard it, I just knew. It truly is the perfect summer album; in the sense that summer is a feeling, and I wanted to feel it in my veins. I wanted to understand it, to live it. It loosened the knots in my shoulders and back. I’ve listened to it almost daily since it came out and recited it like a prayer.
“Cold summer breeze, what a sweet release I need.”
I needed release more desperately than I could imagine. I was so tense, so worked up. I knew how lucky I was to be able to escape, so I made a concerted effort to take in everything, to appreciate every moment because I knew what it felt like to be in the dark, tired, weary, in some ways, hopeless. Unable to see past my nose, to envision the future beyond current suffering, and I’d only made it out by the skin of my teeth, per norm.
It started and ended with a trip, in the sense of a colourful strip of paper long dissolved under the weight of my tongue, and also, as in a holiday.
The music told me to let go, to ride on the smooth waves of Tay Iwar’s soft crooning and humming. Everything felt incredible. The wind against my face felt like a soft caress. Spending time with family was blissful in ways that were new to me. The sights were glorious, and the food was amazing. And the music was there with me through it all.
‘Don’t Lie’ makes me feel special. It’s the key to many memories I’ll always hold dear. When I listen to it and close my eyes, every image behind my eyes is blissful. Taking a walk in the cool evening breeze, hiking through a forest with people I love and realising, “This is something I’d like to remember; life doesn’t get much better than this.” Sitting on a train and staring out the window at the beautiful blue sky and the vast plains flying past me, wired earphones plugged in, or driving in the evening and screaming along to the music with feeling, or rocking against hips and a body that feels just right.
It’s the kind of song I know I’ll remember forever, a time capsule like the scent of perfume you used to wear.
The album is for lightheartedness, for love, for peace, for longing.
Nature makes me feel alive. I’ve always known, but it’s ridiculous how good I feel after I’ve spent time with my feet in the grass or my eyes plastered on the sky, and this music, it was built for standing in a field and feeling just how much bigger the world is than you, eyes closed, arms stretched out to both sides of you.
I’m feeling and willing and wishing and wanting my way through life because what else is there to do?
I try hard too. I (often) try my fucking best actually. I also enjoy myself. Boy, do I know how to enjoy myself. I had to learn, to teach myself to cater to myself. I like to let other people take care of me too though, it’s nice. I’ve had many reminders in the past few months that I’m loved and cared for, I know, but I haven’t even had a moment to dare to forget. There is love in abundance for me always. At home and out in the world.
I’m drawing inspiration from a source I thought was long dead to me. When last did I not sit down at my desk trying to channel my darkest feelings? Now I’m looking to that feeling of lightness in the chest and butterflies in the belly. The feeling of drowning in a pool of pretty brown eyes, holding their hand and knowing you want them in your life. The feeling of accomplishment. The feeling of the start of something new and beautiful and exciting, transformation, the beginning and end of a phase of your life.
I was made new by ‘Healing’ and ‘Summer Breeze’, the song, rekindled my will to live. As I swayed from side to side or performed a full-on bedroom concert, I felt like I was living in a movie, one with a moving soundtrack, numerous nature shots, existential musing, bright colours and beauty in good light.
Not very woe is me? Uncharacteristic eh? But it simply wouldn’t be right not to bask in the light that’s currently shining on me. It feels unmerited; I’m scared it might be short-lived because life does as it does and always guiding, right?
I’m scared to boldly want things for fear of disappointment, but I can’t not be grateful. It would be wrong. I can’t not want.
I’ve felt happiness, in big and small doses. I’ve felt satisfaction nestled with wistfulness, and desire, the good kind, the kind that makes you want more out of life. The kind that makes you contemplate the vastness of the world and mourn how much of it you’ll never see, how much wonder you’ll never partake in. I want to be a ripple in the tide, a fibre in the thread of fate.
I’ve found myself in ways that I thought were lost. In ways that had become such a distant memory, I forgot those bits of me even existed. I pray I never forget again.
I enjoyed the simple things, no hard-earned thrills. I felt that feeling of near worryless living for a while. My job was beauty and R&R and constant "Are you having a good time?” checks. I had proper talks with myself. I looked at myself long and hard.
It hasn’t been all great; it wouldn’t be life if it were, but it’s been so good that I’m scared. So wonderful I feel guilty almost.
I have a clear vision for my life, it gets hazy sometimes. I’m uncertain when there are hitches, and it feels out of reach. Hard times drive my faith in myself away, but at times like this, it’s crystal clear. It feels like I’m actually doing something to seize the reins of my life. Like I’m steering my path as I so desperately want to.
I’ve been thinking about my future a lot lately. Things are changing, but they’re also infuriatingly the same. I’ve been feeling exceptionally free in some ways, on the cusp of something great. I also feel more stifled than I ever have sometimes, constantly waiting for something, holding my breath through life. But in recent times, I’ve felt an exhale coming. A big sneeze. A gulp of fresh air or ice-cold water.
Love and ambition drive me; put the pep back in my step. But first came rest. My R&B king came right on time to see me through this season in my life.
I love those moments when I feel a deep sense of gratitude for who I am, where I am, what I'm doing, and who I'm doing it with. That “wow, life is actually pretty good right now” acid feeling, but of organic origins; a sense of euphoria powered by the feeling of being a small thing in a world vastly beyond you, fortunate to be able to dig your toes into the soil and lean back into nature.
I'd look around me, taking pictures to immortalise the moment, and my chest would swell with want.
A lifetime is too much; one lifetime is not enough.
There is too much to see, much left to feel.
And me,
I just want to be beautiful in good light.
I resonate with this so much 💜
❤️